How to scroll more and live less
1. Keep your phone on at all times
You never know when you’ll want to scroll.
2. Take your phone everywhere
And you never know where you’ll want to scroll.
3. Use the same phone for personal and work
Mix the two so you always have a reason to be on your phone.
4. Take your phone to bed with you
Your phone is your best friend. You should sleep with your best friend.
5. Use your phone for everything in your life
Banking, maps, music, camera. Make sure you depend on your phone for everything you could possibly need. That way, scroll-unrelated things will help you back onto your phone to scroll more.
For example: use your phone for payments. You’ll check your phone every time you pay for something, leading to more scrolling. Excellent!
6. Get as big and shiny a phone as possible
Size matters. The bigger and shinier your phone, the more you’ll want to scroll on it.
7. Use your phone to deal with anxiety
That unsettling feeling that something is not quite right? Don’t worry, there’s a quick fix: take out your phone and start scrolling!
You don’t have any underlying issues to address — scrolling fixes everything.
8. Scroll around your friends and family
They understand. They know you have scrolling to do, and that your phone is more important than them. While you’re scrolling, watch a few videos (maybe even on loud!) so your family can’t distract you.
Pro tip: keep your phone in view at all times when around people, face up so you can see notifications popping up. Speaking of:
9. Leave on all notifications for all apps, all the time
Notifications are an awesome reminder to do some more scrolling. Don’t try to manage them, just let them be. Notifications know best.
10. Even when you’re not scrolling, think about scrolling
Just because you don’t have your phone in your hand, doesn’t mean you can’t still think about it. Make sure your focus is always on the scrolling you’ll do once you’re on your phone again.
11. Get defensive at people saying you scroll too much
Who are they to judge? They probably scroll just as much. Hypocrites! There’s not a single grain of truth in what they’re saying — they are just trying to make you feel bad for no reason.
12. Use TikTok, Instagram or Snapchat
To be a proper scroller, you’re going to need one of these apps installed. Ideally, all of them.
13. Use video platforms, not text ones
Who needs words when you can have short videos designed to keep you scrolling?
14. Rely on social media for all your news
Don’t cheat by going direct to news sites, or even worse, subscribing to newsletters. If you scroll enough, you’ll eventually see all the news you need.
15. Do what the app wants you to
The app knows best. If it wants you to keep your streak, keep your streak. If it wants you to live stream, live stream. If it wants you to scroll, scroll.
16. Get into phone gaming
OK, it’s not quite scrolling per se — but it’s in the right ballpark. Phone gaming is your friend, and it’ll help you to spend even more time on your phone scrolling.
17. Make sure to post, don’t just lurk
Posting will keep you checking how your post did, which will mean scrolling even more. Bonus!
18. Join as many messaging groups as you can
Messaging is great for scrolling too. You’ll want to make sure you join as many groups as possible, and once in, never leave.
Remember: if you leave, everyone will know, and they’ll think you’re a terrible person.
19. Use messaging apps for work
You won’t succeed at your job unless you talk to the people you work with on WhatsApp. When they message you outside of work hours, make sure you reply straight away, otherwise you’ll lose your job.
20. Use social media for work
If you’re serious about scrolling on social media, you need to make things official. Post a few times a day for work, and ramp up until you’re a fully-fledged influencer.
21. Don’t meet people in real life
Use your natural human urge to find a partner as fuel to spend more time scrolling. Tinder, Hinge, Grindr and other dating apps are great places to scroll.
If you like someone in real life, don’t talk to them — check if there’s someone better on the apps.
22. Don’t check your screen time
And if you do, remember most of that time was stuff you had to do, and it wasn’t a typical day/week, and something seems a little high about the number anyway, and most people you know use their phones way more.
23. Don’t ever think about how much you’re scrolling
You’re scrolling the right amount. Well, actually — a little more would be good.
24. Go scroll somewhere else, immediately!
Emergency! The scrolling in this article is running out, fast! Please proceed to the nearest scroll! Do *not* pause to reflect!
How good at scrolling are you?
One point for each of the above.
20+ points: Life and scroll of the party
Congratulations! You’re on track to spend practically all of your life scrolling!
10-19 points: Time for some scroll-searching
Not great, but don’t worry — your phone will soon help you up to 20+, no special effort required on your side.
0-9 points: God save your scroll
You’re useless! Stop looking at trees and the sunset and the people you love! Get back on your phone, now!
Thanks to for his brilliant ultimate antiguide to happiness, which inspired this. Anything you’d add to the list? If so, please leave a comment!
Amazing!!